How Choji got crushed
by Lady Itachi
Summary: A lovely lady has caught Choji's eye and Shikamaru, Ino, and Tenten won't let her pass him by... Oneshot. Rated T for some language and mild sexual descriptions.


Tenten skips giddily into Yamanaka flowers, unable to disguise a devilish smile. Approaching the counter where Ino is arranging a bouquet, Tenten bites her bottom lip still grinning until Ino sighs and finally asks

"What is it Tenten?"

"I know something you don't know!" Tenten replies in a sing-song voice

"You can spill it anyday now."

"You have a not-so-secret admirer!" Finally revealing her hidden information, Tenten hides her face behind a bouquet and peeks her eyes over the flower heads to gauge Ino's reaction. Ino slips one more flower into the vase then looks dangerously at Tenten

"Are you going to tell me or do I have to invade your mind? If I have to do the latter I'm going to parade around in your skin and go tell Guy sensei that you can't deny your feelings for him anymore and want to go beyond the student-teacher relationship"

A panicked expression washes over Tenten's face as she smiles nervously and laughs

"Oh c'mon Ino! You don't have to be so mean! I'll tell you but it would be fun if you would at least try to guess first"

Ino sighs then puts one hand on her hips as she steps back to read Tenten's posture. Dryly she asks

"Is it Konohamaru?"

"Nope! Guess again!"

"Oh, what's his little friend's name, um, Udon? Right, it's Udon isn't it?"

"Geez Ino, you could at least sincerely try to guess!"

"Or I could sincerely use Mind Body Switch on you, what would you like?"

"UGH! Fine! It's Choji!"

With an incredulous look on her face, Ino steps back stunned

"No way! After all this time I would have noticed something! Anything! Choji is my teammate, I would know for sure whether or not he has a thing for me Tenten"

"You say that, but haven't you noticed how much time he's been spending across the street at the tea shop here lately?"

"That's not unusual. He's a big guy, he enjoys his sweets"

"Yea, or maybe he's enjoying the sweet view. I've noticed him in there at least twice now and surprisingly enough he's not in there stuffing his face"

"What would he be doing besides eating?"

"I just told you! I've seen him just sit there, staring across the street at you. He idly runs his fingers around the rim of his teacup and sighs. I've even caught some of his murmurs about a dream girl, how beautiful she is and the such. I might not be a genius, but I can put two and two together."

"I think you're reaching Tenten..."

"No! Really! Even Shikamaru has noticed how much time Choji has been spending at the tea shop"

"And what are you doing talking to Shikamaru?"

"Well, I know he's Choji's best friend and your team mate as well. I figured I could follow up with him to see what he knows and after talking about it we both think it would be a great idea if you and Choji went out on a date!"

Ino's eyes explode open as she stares at Tenten in shock

"You have got to be kidding me! Choji? No way! I have higher standards than that!"

"That's rather shallow Ino! Besides, you can't wait forever for Sasuke to come back, and going out to have a little fun wouldn't hurt you"

"Fun with Choji? Oh yea, we could have a blast together at a pie eating contest, a then ramen eating challenge, and finally a hotdog eating contest"

"I bet Choji would love it if you ate his hotdog!"

Ino punches Tenten in the shoulder so hard that the latter is knocked to the ground. Sitting there rubbing her shoulder, Tenten gives Ino a mild glare

"Oh c'mon Ino, you set yourself up for that one! But you know what? You're right. You could never date Choji because you're too coarse, abrasive, and vapid to be with a sweet guy like him. Choji needs a delicate, sensitive, feminine woman, who is ladylike and such; pretty much your total opposite"

Ino takes high offense by this and proceeds to blow up on Tenten

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'TOTAL OPPOSITE'?! I'M NOT VAPID! CHOJI WOULD BE DAMN LUCKY TO HAVE A WOMAN AS BEAUTIFUL AS I AM! AND I CAN BE VERY SWEET AND CARING! I'M ONLY HARD ON BITCHES LIKE YOU WHO TRY TO START SHIT WITH ME!"

"Oh, calm down Ino! Instead of yelling at me, why don't you just prove me wrong instead?"

"I think I will!"

"Great, cause here's your chance! Choji's over at the tea shop right now, eye humping you"

Startled, Ino spazzes and leaps back behind the counter. She peeks over the top and looks across the street. Sure enough, Choji is there staring dead ahead. Ino rises fully to smile and wave at Choji. As if she had freed him from a trance, Choji sits back pleasantly surprised and returns the gesture. His smile makes Ino uncomfortable, so she quickly busies herself walking around the shop arranging already organized flowers. Tenten follows her.

"Dammit Tenten, you're right!"

"I told you so! Now go make your move!"

"I... I can't. Someone has to take care of the shop"

"No, it sounds more like _someone_ is making excuses and only further proving me right about the statement I made earlier"

Casting a burning glare on Tenten, Ino yanks her apron off and thrusts it Tenten.

"OH! I'll show you what's what. Here! You watch the shop, I'll be back shortly..."

Tenten slips on the apron as she watches Ino furiously storm out. As Ino nears the tea shop across the street however, she seems to loose steam and even appears to approach Choji timidly. Just as soon as Ino marched out the door, Shikamaru slipped in. Not taking her eyes away from Ino, Tenten leans her head in his direction to speak with him.

"You were right about how to handle Ino"

"Of course I was right. They're both my team mates and I've learned how to read them very well"

"Yes, yes. Good job Shikamaru."

"Don't forget you lost our wager and you're picking up the tab next time at Yakiniku Q"

"What! I didn't lose! You weren't even here, so how can you verify Ino hit me after she lost her temper?"

"I already told you, I know my team mates. That and you're favoring your left shoulder a lot"

"Well, how do you know I didn't just..."

Tenten trails off as Shikamaru gives her a look with a raised eyebrow

"Okay, fine! You were right! Now lets watch what Ino and Choji do!"

"Spy on my team? What a drag..."

Shikamaru mumbles as he takes a position next to Tenten leaning back against the counter while staring across the street.

Trying her best to look dainty as possible, Ino flutters into the tea shop. Choji notices her and smiles as she walks up to his table.

"Hi Ino! Taking a break from the flower shop?"

"Oh yes, just for a moment... Hey Choji, would you want to get together later and go, um, do something?"

"Like grab a bite to eat? I would love to join you Ino!"

The way Choji's face lights up at the prospect only makes the heavy feeling in Ino's stomach grow more. She gulps before continuing

"So, uh, I close up the shop in a couple hours, want to meet up then?"

"That'll be great! I'm almost done with my dumplings now and I'll be starving by then! I'll swing by to pick you up when you get off... Is Yakiniku Q okay with you?"

"Sure, that'll be wonderful Choji"

"Awesome it's a date then!"

Ino grimaces when she hears the word "date". Stepping away from the table as she readies herself to head back to the flower shop, she gives Choji an uncomfortable smile

"Uh, yes. A... date. I'll see you soon!"

Choji beams at her as she leaves. Ino can't really recall how long it has been since she's seen Choji so happy about something. Perhaps he really does have some deep feelings for her? As Ino returns to her family's shop, she notices Shikamaru has joined Tenten. Tenten removes the apron and hands it back to Ino, who slowly puts it back on. Tying the apron strings carefuly, Ino asks Shikamaru

"How long have you known about this?"

Ino's face is a strange mixture of curiosty, annoyance and disbelief. Shikamaru slides his hands in his pockets and casually shrugs before answering

"Well, I guess Choji's been acting different for a few weeks now. I finally bothered to find out he's been burning up most of his time at that tea shop but I couldn't figure out why he was there until a few nights ago. He invited me over for supper one evening and afterwards he disappeared into the bathroom for a solid half hour. Initially I assumed he was just making a large drop off after all the food he inhaled until I happened to walk by and heard noises that alerted me to otherwise. He was making vocalizations that implied self pleasuring paired with a thrumming precussion sound which allowed me to identify what he was up to in there. It's okay I get it, he's a hormonal teenage boy, but what really threw me off were the odd giggles he had randomly interspersed throughout. After one excessively long, gratifying moan, he paused for a moment before finally flushing and exiting the bathroom. I eyeballed him on the way out and noticed he didn't have any stroking material on his person, so I cautiously entered the bathroom. I didn't find anything for his viewing pleasure in there either until I looked out the window and noticed he has an awesome view of you at the shop. That paired with the location of the tea shop in relation to you I was able to piece it all together."

Tenten looks like she's going to be sick, and Ino is simply aghast. When she is finally able to pick her jaw up off the floor, Ino speaks

"Wow. Actually, you answered my question in your first statement and you could've stopped after that. Just, wow Shikamaru."

Tenten chimes in

"I hope you feel better knowing you have permanently scarred my perception of Choji"

Shikamaru shrugs again and nonchalantly replies

"What? He's not some saint. He's just as horny as any other teenage guy and I think Ino could help out..."

"Shikamaru! I thought we discussed they should date!"

"Date, screw, same difference. When men pay for their dates they're not just paying for the food but for access to their lady friend's panties as well. Men who go dutch don't get laid; it would behoove both of you to remember that and not give out any freebies"

Tenten is shocked and offended while Ino looks thoughtful. Tenten gently elbows Ino and asks

"How do you put up with this guy?!"

Ino makes a gesture using both of her hands implying an increment of length between her palms as she directs her next question at Shikamaru

"Well, is he, you know...?"

She finishes the question by tilting her head forward with a raised eyebrow and lightly shaking the gapped hand gesture in front of her face. Tenten is stunned once again as Shikamaru disbelievingly and even slightly disgusted answers

"HOW SHOULD I KNOW INO!? I'm not some pervert like you!"

Tenten looks at Ino still in denial of what she's hearing then timidly asks

"Are you serious Ino? This is not at all how I imagined this discussion going..."

"What Tenten? I'm sure it'd be easy for me to be a prude like you, especially if my teammates were Mr. Chivalry and Mr. Puritan like Lee and Neji. Unlike you however, I'm fully okay with being aware of my body's needs. And as for you Shikamaru, I know how guys operate. Life is a constant "who's bigger" contest and I know you've been to more than one public bath or hot spring with Choji. Surely at any of those opportunities you've glanced over to see how he measures up to you."

Shikamaru sighs and simultaneously shrugs his shoulders while cocking his head to one side

"It is pretty difficult to measure up to me..."

Here he pauses to give a wink to both of the girls

"...but he's not bad. He could almost give me a run for my money but I'm fairly exceptional myself. I will admit however he could definitely put your average banana to shame."

Tenten and Ino are stunned. Shikamaru shrugs again, but this time he adds more bend in his elbows thus lifting his hands that are still in his pockets and raising the crotch of his pants to emphasize the excessive bulge normally hidden there. This breaks the trance for Tenten, she covers her eyes with one hand and with the other plugs a finger in her ear.

"La-la-la-la-la! I hear nothing! I see nothing! I'm leaving! Both of you have taken this waaaaaaaay too far!"

As she moves to exit the shop, Shikamaru grabs her elbow to stop her.

"Hey! Where do you think you're going? You lost our bet and still owe me dinner, remember?"

"Didn't you just say something about not giving out freebies?"

"I was talking about freebies sexual in nature."

The word "sexual" makes Tenten cringe and Shikamaru notices this but he continues.

"Besides in this instance you are simply making good on the terms of a wager you lost, so that's different. And it's only dinner... unless of course you're looking for something more afterwards..."

"STOP! That's enough! If you mention it one time I won't care whether I lost a bet or not, you won't get anything out of me!"

Ino gives a smirk before ribbing Tenten

"What? Sex?"

Tenten throws her arms up in the air, absolutely flabbergasted and walks out of the shop while muttering

"Yeesh, I give up on you two!"

Shikamaru says to Ino quickly

"Hey now, you're chasing away my meal ticket!"

Chasing after Tenten he calls out to her

"Tenten! Wait up! I didn't say it! It was Ino!..."

The rest of the day flies by too fast for Ino and anxiety builds in her stomach as she watches the clock wind down. Finally as she locks the door and flips the OPEN sign to CLOSED she has a revelation

"Why should I be so worried about going out with Choji? I've known him since we were kids and it's not like he'd try to do anything weird... That and I'm Ino Yamanaka! I don't take crap from anyone and I always get what I want! Right! I can do this!"

As she hangs up her apron she hears a gentle tap at the door and sees Choji standing outside with a smile as he's stuffing potato chips in his face. His smile unsettles her again as she walks out to greet him. Locking up the shop behind herself, they share a casual hello before walking to the restaurant in an awkward silence aside from his munching. When they reach the restaurant they are quickly seated at a small booth. The server doesn't bring out menus as he recognizes Choji and after bringing the pair something to drink he only asks if Choji would like the regular to which Choji only responds with a nod. The way Choji is seated at the booth, he has his back to any new people approaching while Ino sits opposite to him. She recognizes Shikamaru and Tenten as they are led to a booth just one row ahead of her own but on the opposite side. Tenten gives Ino two thumbs up as she slides into her seat and Ino just smiles and shakes her head. The meal carries on uneventfully as Ino ponders if she has it in her to pursue anything romantically with her childhood friend. Choji doesn't seem to be acting out of character or even seem to notice Ino's unusual quietness as Ino begins filling with questions and doubt while he vaccuums up the food.

Ino thinks to herself

"Perhaps I could jutsu myself into his mind just to take a quick peek..."

"Um, Ino? Hello? Anyone home?"

Ino hops back startled realizing this isn't the first time Choji has tried to get her attention while she's been lost in thought

"Yes Choji?"

"Are you going to eat that last slice of meat?"

"No, go ahead..."

Choji's face lights up as he snags the remainder of the food and throws it on the brazier. Ino hesitantly clears her throat and finally asks

"So... do you want to... do something after we're done here?"

Choji continues shoveling rice into his mouth, not noticing the slight inflection in Ino's voice

"Like what?"

He finally sets the bowl down to look Ino in the eye and she takes the opportunity to slide her arm across the table and rest her hand lightly on top of his. She cocks her head to one side and gives him a dangerously seductive look.

"Well, you know..."

Ino trails off with a suggestive smile as the lightbulb finally clicks in Choji's mind. His eyes spring open wide and he chokes on his rice not believing what he's seeing and hearing

"Oh my God, Ino! Are you serious?!"

Choji finishes his question in a hiss. Ino playfully laughs and flips her hair over her shoulder as she gazes more intently at him

"Of course I'm serious! Why wouldn't I be?"

"Ino, I can't believe you're coming onto me!"

This gives Ino reason to pause, so she leans back and slides her hand away from his

"What do you mean by that Choji?"

"Just that, all this time growing up you always acted like I could never be your type and you were always so hung up on Sasuke..."

"Are you saying I'm not your type or that I'm not good enough for you?"

"No! No, it's not that at all!"

"Then what is it?"

"I just never considered you to be more than just a friend. I mean, I'm flattered by your offer, really..."

"CHOJI! I totally thought you had a huge crush on me!"

Hearing Ino exclaim this, Shikamaru and Tenten sink down into their booth so as not to catch Ino's eye

"Why would you think that Ino?"

"Well I heard from what I thought were very reliable sources that you have been spending the majority of your time oogling me at the shop and muttering about a dream girl"

Choji's face turns pink with embarrassment and he chuckles nervously before responding

"Heh, well, there is a girl I like..."

"Who is it then?!"

"...it's the Dango Odango girl..."

Ino gets a confused look for a moment trying to recall anyone she knows by that name until she realizes Choji is talking about a spokesperson for a snack food. High in the background of the flowershop is a billboard featuring a plump, round faced girl donning double buns in her hair. She is captured in a pose of making an "ooo" face while looking onto a plate of the mass produced snack dangoes. Initially Ino can't believe Choji has fallen for an advertisement until her mindset changes and she takes on an air of being miffed.

"You've got to be kidding me Choji..."

"See, I didn't want to tell you because now you're going to make fun of me for it..."

"No Choji, what I mean is you spent all that time eyeballing that chubby girl when you could have been staring at me!"

"Wait...what?"

"Um, hello! I am the hottest and most eligible girl in the entire village and you've been wasting your time drooling over someone who can't even hold a candle to me"

"Well, I like a lady with a little meat on her bones"

"Choji, there's a big difference between meat and lard"

"That was a bit harsh..."

"Shut up Choji. I'll show you who the sexiest girl in your world is! Pay for the food!"

"Okay... but you're scaring me a little bit"

Choji throws his money down on the table and Ino snatches his wrist and drags him out of the restaurant. Ino is burning with annoyance and doesn't pay Shikamaru or Tenten any mind as she stroms past with Choji in tow. Tenten sits in silence with her eyes wide open as she still is trying to digest the recent turn of events. Glancing over at Shikamaru she sees he has a smirk on his face. A realization sweeps over Tenten

"Oh... Shikamaru! You knew what was really going on this whole time, didn't you?!"

"Of course I did! But I had to play my part to get you and Ino to cooperate"

"I can't believe you!"

"Of course you can't, but that's because you're a prude"

"Quit calling me that!"

"Prude."

"Dammit!"

"Hurry up and pay for the meal, prude"

"Stop it! And I will pay just as soon as you tell me why you did what you did. Were you really that worried about Choji?"

"Well not Choji so much as Ino. She just really needed to get laid because she was turning into a raging bitch horning over Sasuke the way she was"

"Wow Shikamaru. Well played sir."

"I do what I can to make my life easier. Now go on and take care of the bill..."

"Okay, okay..."

"Prude"

"You know what Shikamaru? How about you cover this meal and I'll show you how much of a prude I'm not!"

"Sounds good to me..."

Shikamaru leaves his money on the table as Tenten leads him out of the establishment. As he walks out, he puts both his hands behind his head and smiles to himself while thinking

_"Well played sir, well played indeed..."_


End file.
